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I whispered my dreams
Into a wishing well-
The glint of silver coins
Flashing dully under the rippling surface.

So many empty souls
Tossing coins upon the water;
In hopes of a sliver of hope.

But no one ever told me
That all you get
Is a small splash
And an echo of tarnished soul-songs,
Floating from beneath the still, still surface...

But it's never any use,
Because the heart is just a hollow muscle
That moves to stay alive.
There's not much I want to say, but most of it can't be said with words.
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RoamingBubblegum Featured By Owner Jul 20, 2013  Student Writer
This is great. I find it hard to set tone for my writing. I have been told it tends toward tonelessness (not a word really, I know). This is anything but toneless. It sounds as if the person is reminiscing about something a tad awful, but trying to put a somber spin on it. I don't know. I'm not very good at this. You clearly are though, so don't mind the incompetence....  

oh by the way, the Darkeness loved this :D
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Jul 15, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:clap: This is a beautiful work. wonderfully written! the contrast of the wishing well and the reality associated with it, makes this work even more worthwhile to read. It reminded me of your work Flying. And quite honestly... This work is sharper...

I like it as is... a bit of italics and bold might help but... it won't feel the same, in my honest opinion. In all honesty, this is a worthwhile poem. I found the transitions well handled.
AyeAye12 Featured By Owner Jul 15, 2013  Student Writer
POSITIVE: I like the simplistic imagery here. It still has depth, yet is easily accessible. Particular favourite is "tarnished soul-songs".
I also like the alliteration at the start with "whispered" and "wishing well". Talking of similar sounds, I like how you used "sliver" in Stanza 2 Line 3, due to its similar sound to "silver" which in turn links in with the coins. I foudn that a nice clever little addition.
Also, that last line. Daaaamn.

NEGATIVE: I guess I could say there seems to be a big gap theme -wise in stanza 3 and 4. I can get the connections, but i feel it isn't similar to the other three before it.

Overall though, a poignant little poem :)
KittykatMWuster Featured By Owner Jul 8, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Beautiful. Though, maybe you should change the last line to "That moves only to stay alive"? Also, maybe exclude the period at the end of the second stanza, and replace it with "..." instead? I feel that it would create a more pondering-like effect. Other than that, I have nothing to say :)
smallsincerities Featured By Owner Jul 10, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you :heart: I fixed it up a bit, and whilst I realise that neither of the changes are exactly what you said, I hope it's alright. Those just seemed to work a little better, in my head anyway.
KittykatMWuster Featured By Owner Jul 10, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
It's great! Even better than what I would've done :D
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Submitted on
July 7, 2013
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