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we used to play russian roulette on dingy street corners,
cigarettes hanging from soot-blackened lips
and morphine running rampant through our drugged up systems.

i remember how i was always shot.
you ran away when i didn't die
and left me to bleed out
onto the cold concrete.

but you don't understand-
dolls and wallflowers are empty inside,
and hearts constructed hastily with broken matchsticks
don't beat true. it's just dull thumping
in a hollow chest cavity.

(and even the best dentists can't fill this one up.)
slogging through writer's block is no fun.
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Daily Deviation

Given 2013-12-16
:iconasfbenja:
ASFBenja Featured By Owner Oct 19, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Title literally relates to my entire life. Good wording a verses though. Excellent job.
Reply
:iconkarinta:
Karinta Featured By Owner Dec 18, 2013  Student General Artist
Well, the slog was worthwhile, don't you think?
Reply
:iconkittykatmwuster:
KittykatMWuster Featured By Owner Dec 17, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
WERE YOU KIDDING ME WHEN YOU SAID THIS PIECE WASN'T EVEN THAT GOOD? THIS IS LIKE ONE OF MY FAVORITE POEMS OF YOUR GALLERY. (remember that super horrible critique I left on this one that wasn't strictly a critique because I didn't point out anything wrong with it? XD)

:hug: But really, you deserve a DD. Don't know how you didn't get one earlier.
Reply
:iconumbrellakid10:
UmbrellaKid10 Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2013
Doge Dude that was so deep Adele can't even roll in it anymore 
Reply
:icongalenalarkin:
GalenaLarkin Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2013  Professional Writer
This is nicely done. Paints an image quickly and with good words. I'd suggest dropping the last line, though. I see what you were trying to do, relating the words "cavity" and "dentists," but in this instance you're kind of stretching it; it really doesn't make a lot of sense (and the line's a bit too cheesy to fit with the rest of the poem).

Dentists, of course, don't work on the thoracic (chest) region of the body. And the chest cavity is not a medical condition. The chest cavity is simply the space inside your chest where the lungs and heart fit. A cavity in a tooth is a health problem, which a dentist would need to fix, but no dentist (or even a doctor) would ever need to fill a chest cavity. I hope that makes sense.

Otherwise, nice work! Sorry about the writer's block. I definitely know that feeling. I recommend music, or doing what one of my professors once suggested: letting it incubate. Don't force yourself to work on anything, don't force anything out. Put it on the shelf for a while, relax, let the ideas simmer, and go back to them later :)
Reply
:iconjirachichu:
Jirachichu Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Do you seriously think that they meant an actual chest cavity and an actual dentist
Reply
:icongalenalarkin:
GalenaLarkin Featured By Owner Dec 17, 2013  Professional Writer
I realize they were being metaphorical, but I think that part could have been done a better way. In writing, and all forms of art, there is always room for improvement, and a true writer/artist should always be open to suggestions. And that's all I was doing - offering them a suggestion. No offense or rudeness was intended.
Reply
:iconmorning-star-42:
Morning-Star-42 Featured By Owner Dec 17, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Keeping the metaphorical imagery consistent helps to keep a consistent and effortless emotional parallel. If the reader doesn't stop to interpret the connection between two different metaphorical imageries, their mind is kept in the emotion and idea the author wants to convey and the whole work comes off smoother and with more impact.
Reply
:iconbrain-tree:
brain-tree Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2013   General Artist
:D

Congrats!
Reply
:iconthegalleryofeve:
TheGalleryOfEve Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Congratulations on your well-deserved DD!!! :iconflyingheartsplz::iconlainloveplz::iconflyingheartsplz: :clap::clap::clap:
Reply
:iconc-a-harland:
C-A-Harland Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2013  Student Writer
Beautiful story and very poignant imagery. dolls and wallflowers are empty inside, I think this is my favorite line, it's such a wonderful image. Well done.
Reply
:iconeternities22:
Eternities22 Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
How did this get a DD? :iconhuhplz:

I mean it's pretty good, but I wouldn't call it DD standard...
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:iconoppathebitchfrommars:
OppaTheBitchFromMars Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2013
I'd agree. I mean, I've seen better~
Reply
:iconeternities22:
Eternities22 Featured By Owner Dec 17, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
At least someone agrees with me. This poem is just "okay" IMHO.
Reply
:iconoppathebitchfrommars:
OppaTheBitchFromMars Featured By Owner Dec 17, 2013
:nod:
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:iconkuku88:
kuku88 Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Pretty good? Sounds like you're not reading between the lines. Do you get the meaning of this poem?—and don't ask me if I do; because everyone can interpret this their own way (but you gotta at least TRY and don't tell me you can interpret this as not DD-worthy). And the fact they wrote this through Writer's Block is quite amazing. 
Even if I see things I don't think are DD-worthy, there's no need to comment. You're just ASKING for people to criticize you and give you backlash. Like I just did. *shakes head*

Can't say much that hasn't already been said, so let's see if you can write something better that'll get a DD. :meow:
Reply
:iconholyheroine:
HolyHeroine Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Seriously, your opinion is vague. Don't criticize if you don't know what you're talking about.
Reply
:icondeluxxy:
deluxxy Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2013
Because it's so unique. Are you jealous? Because if you are, then just leave him/her alone, they don't need to hear it.
Reply
:iconeternities22:
Eternities22 Featured By Owner Dec 17, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Of course I'm not jealous. I just find it strange.

I mean, the grammar isn't even very good for starters. No capital letters at the start of each of the sentences, and the word "I'm" is missing an apostrophe in the title. Why would any poet be so lazy? Secondly, it's really short; I always assumed that, if a poem were to receive a DD, it would be a longer and more detailed poem. This looks like it was cobbled together in a few minutes. No offence, but I have no idea how this got a DD. It's not exactly "The Lady Of Shalott" or "The Rime Of The Ancient Mariner" is it?
Reply
:icondorianharper:
DorianHarper Featured By Owner Dec 17, 2013  Professional Writer
Again, as I said, the DD was selected because I thought it was worth sharing with the community. A DD is not an award, it's simply a feature. What's wrong with giving a deviant you may not have come across before a feature so that their work can be shared with others on the site? Put simply. I read it. I enjoyed it. I thought it was quality enough to share with the site and feature as a DD. That's why it was chosen. Because to me, it was quality enough to share.

(As for the capitalization thing, there are many poems, even published ones, that don't capitalize in them. Sure, I may not be one to personally agree with it in my own work, but I'm aware of it as a type of poetic style used in some poetry and don't hold it against the writer if they choose to do so.)
Reply
:icondeluxxy:
deluxxy Featured By Owner Dec 17, 2013
What about yours? Have you ever gotten one before?
Reply
:iconeternities22:
Eternities22 Featured By Owner Dec 17, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Unfortunately, no. However, I don't think my work is good enough to get a DD, so I hardly expect to get one.

DDs should be reserved for breathtaking paintings, sculptures, costumes, etc... not short poems like these. :|
Reply
:icondeluxxy:
deluxxy Featured By Owner Dec 17, 2013
Okay, I can see what you're saying, I agree.
Reply
:iconedns:
edns Featured By Owner Dec 17, 2013  Student Writer
it's called poetic license, meaning the poet doesn't have to capitalize things buddy

Reply
:iconedns:
edns Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2013  Student Writer
honestly i think this is 100% eligible and meets DD standards.

i dont know if you've ever heard this saying but if you haven't got something nice to say don't say anything at all. imagine getting a DD and then someone calling it "not a DD standard". 

look who's talking- doesnt look like you've ever gotten a DD before, eh?
Reply
:iconeternities22:
Eternities22 Featured By Owner Dec 17, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Welcome to DeviantArt. I can be critical about whetever I like. Anyone can be.
Reply
:icondorianharper:
DorianHarper Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2013  Professional Writer
It got a DD because I was suggested it and I thought it was a quality piece worth featuring and sharing wit others on the site. :)
Reply
:iconcapukat:
Capukat Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2013   General Artist
I'd say you suggested a worthy poem indeed C:
Reply
:iconlintu47:
lintu47 Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Congrats on the DD! :dalove:
Have a nice day! :heart:
Reply
:iconautumn-spirit:
autumn-spirit Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2013
fantastic!
Reply
:iconthe30thoffebruary:
The30thOfFebruary Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2013  Student General Artist
So awesome O.O ohhhhhhw<3
Reply
:iconguineveretogwen:
GuinevereToGwen Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2013  Student Writer
Woooow. This is really beautiful. I love the story you tell, all through very poignant metaphors and imagery. I was drawn to this at first by the title, and the rest definitely surpassed my expectations. I would tell you my favourite lines, except that every line in this is my favourite. Amazing work!
Reply
:iconsmallsincerities:
smallsincerities Featured By Owner Dec 6, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you! Do you have any suggestions on how to improve it even further?
Reply
:iconguineveretogwen:
GuinevereToGwen Featured By Owner Dec 6, 2013  Student Writer
There is very little wrong with this poem. There is one line, though, that is a bit awkward:
"you ran away when i didn't die after you left me to bleed out" I would personally change it to "you ran away when i didn't die AND you left me to bleed out" I'm not sure if that takes away from the general meaning, but I believe it reads better that way and doesn't seem so rambly.

Also (and this is just a teeny nit-pick), I would change the punctuation at the end to:
"in a hollow chest cavity
(and even the best dentists can't fill this one up)."
It just makes it seem more final, I think.

Hope this was helpful! All in all, your poetry is breathtaking. :)
Reply
:iconsmallsincerities:
smallsincerities Featured By Owner Dec 8, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Ah, thank you! I really appreciate all your feedback and help. :tighthug:
Reply
:iconguineveretogwen:
GuinevereToGwen Featured By Owner Dec 8, 2013  Student Writer
You're so welcome, it was my pleasure. :)
Reply
:iconkittykatmwuster:
KittykatMWuster Featured By Owner Oct 2, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
What's Russian Roulette? :-? (Confused) //goes to search up/ XD
Other than that. WOW. Just by reading this I would've thought you've gotten out of writer's block already. T-T it's so good...
I love the "dolls and wallflowers.../...broken matchsticks" lines a lot :'D
Reply
:iconsmallsincerities:
smallsincerities Featured By Owner Oct 2, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Aw, thank you so much :D

Russian Roulette is where you take a gun, and load it with a single bullet. Then you start passing it around. Each person spins the barrel of the gun, and then points it at their head and shoots. With luck, you are still fully alive and functioning within the next few minutes. If not... well. Have fun in the afterlife :P
Reply
:iconkittykatmwuster:
KittykatMWuster Featured By Owner Oct 2, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
... o_o that's pretty violent. XD
Man, the name sounds so poetic though... :'D
Reply
:iconsmallsincerities:
smallsincerities Featured By Owner Oct 2, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Yeah, it is. What's even creepier is that suicidal people used to play it... solo.
I'm glad you think so :heart:
Reply
:iconkittykatmwuster:
KittykatMWuster Featured By Owner Oct 2, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Woah... Well, I'd love to say something along the lines of "That's impressive, takes guts to do that," but... I think I'll opt for "...that's sort of sick..."

And, no problem :tighthug:
Reply
:icon1nkl1ng:
1nkl1ng Featured By Owner Oct 2, 2013
I love the first and last lines. Good luck with your writer's block!
Reply
:iconsmallsincerities:
smallsincerities Featured By Owner Oct 2, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you!
Reply
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